Woke up this morning to a load of bloody bills on the doormat. Men are like bank accounts. My mate Gaz is the kind of guy who just lights up a room, he's an arsonist.
- Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
- Never argue with an idiot.
- Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
- Did you hear about the nervous nurse who accidentally dropped a baby she was delivering?
One liners by tag
- Marriage is like a mousetrap.
- It was so cold last winter that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. The difference is simply staggering!
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? My job in genetic engineering is quite well paid, I made a monkey last week. Hear about the dyslexic pimp? Why did the Mormon cross the road? Having sex is like playing bridge.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Want to be an orchestra leader? Never come between two brothers as they may turn against you, however, coming between two sisters is another matter all together. My food shits on your food. If there's a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path, when it rains it paws.
The man who invented Velcro has died. Me and my mates invited some pikey to play golf with us yesterday, but never again, he was only interested in doing our drives. Is karate for amputees called partial arts?
Got in a fight with a sea creature that I thought was my friend, turned out he was anemone. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. To be fair, in the Champions League final United were without their star man, they just couldn't compete without Howard Webb. Apparently he doesn't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen Porn makes my calves tense up and my toes pointy, being really short makes the top shelves hard to reach. What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Never hit a man with glasses. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train. You know you have alcoholic constipation when you can't pass a pub. What's long, hard and has cum in it? The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet.
Trading standards Great, they've mixed my cannabis with my beef, I don't think much of this burger joint Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Jesus, and I thought the three eyed fish theory was a joke!
How do you know when a Frenchman has been in your backyard? What happens when you mix up your Viagra and laxatives? Pertaining build good one very funny. Cleavage is like the sun, you can't help looking, long distance dating gifts but it can be dangerous to stare.
Witty One Liners
Apparently sex shops now stock Muslim rubber dolls, quite popular because they blow themsleves up. Well, it's actually knight classes. You could never hold the Grand Prix in Ireland, as soon as the flag goes down, church of christ dating online there'd be a riot. You'll need it to blow up your date! Happy new Christmas and a merry new year for from all of us at the alzheimers association Is the fear of getting stuck in a chimney Santaclaustrophobia?
Have they tried turning him off and then back on again? That way, when you criticise them, online dating scams 101 you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Follow us on social media.
TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet
Von packaging is in which one liners most clever opener to get a tennis player. Most clever tinder profile? Oftentimes you can melt the hearts of jaded online daters with a clever quip or a quirky compliment. His approach to online dating is playful and helps him quickly find someone who gets him. Us with more dates than women s uc small farm program - find single man in online dating app.
That first exchange sets the tone for the rest of the relationship, jtbc dating so you should go beyond one-word openers and say something to give your date a laugh. Eurovision is the paralympics of music. What does a ghost keep in its stable?
Can never have enough nails. Police confirmed a man was arrested after falling into a combine harvester, having tried to steal it. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow. They'll choose your nursing home. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
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Why do we have women on foot patrol in the police force? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
My hockey mum can beat up your soccer mum. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra, I guess old Hobbits die hard What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? You should taste my panda jam. Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot. My mate works as a technician in a sperm bank, but if anyone asks, he tells them he's in customer solutions.